are you engaged? Congratulations! I am Therefore glad for you
However – and don’t take this the wrong way – I hear weddings are quite expensive? Lots of hidden costs?
Like, renting out that converted barn for the ceremony — you know, the only one in the state that hasn’t housed an animal in a hundred years? It will cost you ten thousand dollars just for the afternoon. But also book a nearby Muppets-themed miniature golf course for the same afternoon, so you can confidently tell your partner it’s not available? another three thousand.
And going green isn’t easy – it isn’t cheap either. Paperless invitations are a start, but to have a truly sustainable wedding, you’d need to plant a handful of trees to offset travel emissions for every out-of-town guest. A small bush when someone comes flying from abroad. Soon you’ll see another 8,000 plants and labor to ensure the weekend is completely carbon neutral.
this is too much.
However, this pales in comparison to the cost of making the event politically neutral. Contribution limits help, but even then, donating to every campaigning politician will dent your morale along with your wallet.
And how much does it cost to make a bathroom gender neutral? Actually it has no cost. Your whole evening will be spent unless you can get yourself up to Uncle Len’s ears.
Sure, you can invite Uncle Len to the DJ reception, in which case he’ll be too distracted from work to object to your “executive bathroom vigilance.” And you also avoid having to hire an actual DJ – not a trivial amount – although you have to weigh this against the considerable risks involved in passing the aux cable to Uncle Len.
Focus on the positive! Like, how cool are Champagne towers? very quiet! And best of all? They work just as well with Mountain Dew as they do with Dom Perignon – or should I say they photographer Too. It’s about that. All told, twenty bucks for a centerpiece that will dominate your guests’ Instagram stories is pretty compelling.
Much more confident than your MC, a friend of a friend named Ken, and whose only qualification is his rampant extroversion. Yes, you save a few hundred if you don’t hire a professional, but your cheap host is about (in that order) your religious extended family, your spouse’s mother, all women everywhere, all pet owners. Yes, all the women separate again. , young, old, middle-aged, just born, departed, Nascar fan (oddly enough), your religious extended family again, and yourself.
You can invite your Generation Z cousins in an effort to attend the party. But instead of showing up with a bag full of the latest party drugs, as you’d hope, they turn up sober — vaping at best — and full of questions about more than just your decorating choices. Why even get married? When did you become so normie? Why do you feel compelled to perpetuate these dusty, heterosexual institutions? Do You Really Want to Go for Monogamy?
You tell yourself it will all be worth the registry. you drink you dance At some point you pass out.
You wake up the next day, broke, hungover and with a vague memory of dancing an Irish jig to Uncle Len at full volume for the third time to “Come on Aileen”. And yet you are hopeful. You check the register—an Italian appliance or a French cast-iron pan will provide ample comfort. But you soon see that, although you may never want a clothes hanger again, the smog fridge and Le Creuset frying pan are untouched.
still busy? Mercy ♦
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